When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
