as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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