Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
