when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
