There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
