i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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