i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
