so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
