I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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