last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
