I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
