just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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