I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
