I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
