At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
