shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
