gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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