I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
