So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
