so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
