Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
