Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
