I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
