I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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