I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
