Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
