Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
