I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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