At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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