The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize