u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
