I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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