You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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