Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
