yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
wanna go halves on a baby?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
