So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
