Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
