i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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