(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
