I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
