I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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