saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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