Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
