I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
