Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
