NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
