I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
