sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
