If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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