Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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