He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
