so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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