his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
