yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
