Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
